Faker-ism

After surviving the first year in a new career, my goals for this next year (as suggested by my manager during my evaluation) include lecturing. I’m not entirely comfortable with this. I’m more of a discuss-in-a-group kind of girl. But what the heck. I can get my 12 year old to teach me power point, make sure my zipper stays up, and everything should be fine. So I get notice the other day that my services are required to lecture to new hires. The only catch is that my assigned subject is a topic I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. And what’s weird, is that this has come up before, where people think I know about this topic, and I have corrected them and said, “I know nothing about this topic.” In fact, the last time I had this clarifying conversation was in my evaluation, with my manager, who apparently thought I was being modest.

So now it’s awkward. I feel like if I say “HELLLOOOO???? I know nothing about this topic!!!” it will look like I am trying to weasel out of meeting my objectives. I decided I just have to do it. They think I’m an expert, so maybe I should just act like one. I am already coining some deflective phrases such as ” In this patient population, it is imperative that we take time to slow the process, and to identify and enlist our champions,” ” maximize all the resources that are available to you,” and my personal favorite: “That’s a really good question! Let’s put that to the group!” In the meantime I will do what I can to compile an informative lecture, but I don’t think that will be enough to make me stop feeling like a big fake phony.

I feel this way often. I remember when I used to run 1/2 marathons, I never felt like a REAL runner. Sure, I followed a training schedule, and participated in a few runs a year, but did that make me a real runner? Someone told me “if you run, that makes you a runner”, but it seemed like it needed to be more complicated than that.

I have felt like a faker as a soccer coach, a soccer player, and even when I was a teen, as a member of the honor band. I felt like a faker wearing my white coat at work and telling people with more degrees than me what to do. I feel like a faker wearing CrossFit gear outside of the box, as if my body proportions and plodding gait betray me as a wannabe. I feel like I’m faking my way through this Paleo thing, because I don’t have jaw-dropping results and a dramatic before and after shot. And for the record, I also feel kind of dodgy about this whole blogging thing.

Feeling like a phony faker can be awkward, but I kind of like it. It’s just another symptom of being out of my comfort zone. Chuck Palahniuk says “You can’t base your life on the past or the present. You have to tell me about your future.” Faking my way through things in my present is defining my future. I will fake it until I make it. The minute I feel like an expert is the minute I need to move on. I’m looking forward to lecturing those people who are way more educated than I. I’m bound to learn plenty. I will be introduced as the expert, I will be dressed as the expert, I will speak with expertise and the fact that I am a big fake phony will be our little secret.

Self-Compassion? What a concept!

Here is an article from the NYTimes. Part of my Paleo journey has been the realization that I do not possess this trait at all. Others, I have found, come by it naturally and have no idea why this is such a struggle for me. I like articles like this because since this is a behavior I need to learn, it reminds me to keep practicing!

February 28, 2011, 5:26 pm
Go Easy on Yourself, a New Wave of Research Urges
By TARA PARKER-POPE

Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?

That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion — how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising.

The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight.

This idea does seem at odds with the advice dispensed by many doctors and self-help books, which suggest that willpower and self-discipline are the keys to better health. But Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, says self-compassion is not to be confused with self-indulgence or lower standards.

“I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent,” said Dr. Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin. “They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”

Imagine your reaction to a child struggling in school or eating too much junk food. Many parents would offer support, like tutoring or making an effort to find healthful foods the child will enjoy. But when adults find themselves in a similar situation — struggling at work, or overeating and gaining weight — many fall into a cycle of self-criticism and negativity. That leaves them feeling even less motivated to change.

“Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation,” Dr. Neff said. “The reason you don’t let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you.”

Dr. Neff, whose book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” is being published next month by William Morrow, has developed a self-compassion scale: 26 statements meant to determine how often people are kind to themselves, and whether they recognize that ups and downs are simply part of life.

A positive response to the statement “I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies,” for example, suggests lack of self-compassion. “When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people” suggests the opposite.

For those low on the scale, Dr. Neff suggests a set of exercises — like writing yourself a letter of support, just as you might to a friend you are concerned about. Listing your best and worst traits, reminding yourself that nobody is perfect and thinking of steps you might take to help you feel better about yourself are also recommended.

Other exercises include meditation and “compassion breaks,” which involve repeating mantras like “I’m going to be kind to myself in this moment.”

If this all sounds a bit too warm and fuzzy, like the Al Franken character Stuart Smalley (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”), there is science to back it up. A 2007 study by researchers at Wake Forest University suggested that even a minor self-compassion intervention could influence eating habits. As part of the study, 84 female college students were asked to take part in what they thought was a food-tasting experiment. At the beginning of the study, the women were asked to eat doughnuts.

One group, however, was given a lesson in self-compassion with the food. “I hope you won’t be hard on yourself,” the instructor said. “Everyone in the study eats this stuff, so I don’t think there’s any reason to feel real bad about it.”

Later the women were asked to taste-test candies from large bowls. The researchers found that women who were regular dieters or had guilt feelings about forbidden foods ate less after hearing the instructor’s reassurance. Those not given that message ate more.

The hypothesis is that the women who felt bad about the doughnuts ended up engaging in “emotional” eating. The women who gave themselves permission to enjoy the sweets didn’t overeat.

“Self-compassion is the missing ingredient in every diet and weight-loss plan,” said Jean Fain, a psychotherapist and teaching associate at Harvard Medical School who wrote the new book “The Self-Compassion Diet” (Sounds True publishing). “Most plans revolve around self-discipline, deprivation and neglect.”

Dr. Neff says that the field is still new and that she is just starting a controlled study to determine whether teaching self-compassion actually leads to lower stress, depression and anxiety and more happiness and life satisfaction.

“The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime,” she said. “People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”

The Virtuous Circle

I just finished reading  “Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother” by Amy Chua. In this book, the author examines “Western parenting” philosophies and contrasts them with “Chinese mother” methods. As a Chinese mother, she does not believe that a child’s self-esteem comes from delivering praise for half-hearted efforts and mediocre accomplishments. Instead she believes that self-esteem comes from really hard work. The harder the child works, the more optimum the accomplishment is, and the praise the child receives from that accomplishment encourages even harder work for an even more lofty goal, and puts into motion a Virtuous Circle, where confidence, self-esteem, and achievement come directly from hard work. An interesting perspective.

During my Paleo journey, I have had to keep an eye on Mark. Our well established behavioral patterns have resulted in situations that may be perceived as  sabotage. I’ve chronicled some dietary ones in earlier posts.  The latest threat has been the biking schedule. Mark and I have started mountain biking, and suddenly I noticed that his alleged availability to bike tended to coincide with the Crossfit schedules. At first I chalked it up to him being excited about us both having bikes (which in all honesty it probably was) but by the end on the week I noticed I had only made it to two WODs. *Sigh* Time to set boundaries again.

I buckled down and told him I would bike, but needed to continue the momentum of my Crossfitting. I again invited him to classes, and as usual, he declined. No worries. He was down with that. He had been seeing my results and agreed I should stay the course. My daughter came down for the weekend and she and I made Paleo food, did a killer Fight Gone Bad, and enjoyed ourselves immensely at Brent and Lynay’s UFC Paleo Potluck. Sadly, Mark had to work, so in an effort to make him feel included, I showed him the footage of our FGB. It mostly featured others, but my daughter and I could be spotted in the background, doing our thing.

Sunday morning Mark comes home from work and makes an announcement. He wants to be in the gym 3-4 times a week without exception. He was inspired by watching me in the FGB and by my continued commitment to the Paleo lifestyle. He is glad that I am hanging out with people who are “doing something” and he is tired of not doing anything. He gave me permission to “ride his ass” if he did not meet his goal of gym attendance. Being the loving and trusting wife that I am, I made him put it in writing, had him sign and date it, and imposed a cash penalty.

I am proud of him for this, but I can’t help but feel that it’s my own version of the Virtuous Circle. Good begets good. It will be easier for me to continue because I know my hard work is being recognized.  I hope he meets his goals. If he doesn’t that’s ok too, because his failure will make me rich, rich, RICH!!